Cruel Summer

July 19, 2011


How did your parents meet again?

I am pretty sure that summer unequivocally hates fat people. How do I know? Actually, I am a total lard ass. It wasn’t always this way. When I was younger summer didn’t hate me at all.  But now, it beats down its wrath upon me and millions of other fat people in the world– or, as Europeans call us: Americans.

On the other hand, summer and thin people get along super well. Thin people strip down to their two-piece bathing suit, hangout outside without boob sweating, get some rays, play beach volleyball like in Top Gun without their thighs chafing, and crap like that. It all looks like a beer commercial to me.

It is hard to get into summer because fat people are disallowed from all the things that thin people do to beat the heat like wearing bathing suits, swimming in public without a t-shirt; taking off one’s shirt; or hanging out in the frozen foods section of the super market.

There are some optimistic fat people who try to fight back and start working out, but not me. See I know I have no will power (e.g. my Rubenesque form). If you didn’t get skinny for your best friend’s wedding or your 10-year high school reunion, chances are a few sunny days worth of running embarrassingly slow for five minutes isn’t going to make you the svelte puma you envision yourself in your head.

And, God forbid there is some social event like a wedding or a pool party or a BBQ. These are just opportunities for summer to embarrass me totally, mostly because I have nothing to wear (No joke, I wore a sweater the other day. It was 90 degrees). This is true of all fat people. We don’t have summer clothing. We just can’t bring ourselves to buy any. If you send a fat person to the mall to buy a pair of shorts, they’ll come back with a blousey sweater and some dip n’ dots.

So go easy on your plump friends when they beg off that brisk walk or bike ride or swimming at the lake. And to all my rotund friends, stay inside because summer hates you.

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