Local Man Causes Packers’ Loss to Chiefs

December 18, 2011


Head Cheese

On December 18th, the Green Bay Packers faced the 5-8 Kansas City Chiefs, a teams whose entire offense was recently replaced by the varsity squad of Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow Catholic High School. The 13-0 Packers were predicted to easily trounce the feeble foe and maintain their perfect season. That is until Josh Jacobs of Altoona Wisconsin, let his wife Sara wash his lucky Packer sweat shirt. A shirt that hadn’t been washed for 19 straight Packer victories.

According to Jacobs, his wife insisted on washing out the cheese and beer based vomit from last week’s routing of the Falcons. A defensive and obviously drunk Jacobs shouted to reporters, “I told ‘er absolutely not to, but she went an did anyway.”

Every game day starting at 10 AM, Jacobs drank exactly one case of Miller, bottles not cans; urinated repeatedly on a football signed by Brett Farve that his son gave him for father’s day back in ’96; and, most importantly, wore his lucky, unwashed Packer’s sweat shirt. But this time it all went wrong.

Jacobs tried to follow his pre-game ritual wearing his Tide fresh sweat shirt, but the magic was gone. “Gosh darn it if it wasn’t fool proof and I mucked it up!”

An obviously disappointed Aaron Rodgers commented after the loss to Kansas City, “I knew something was off the entire game. It just didn’t feel like every pathologically obsessed fan was doing their part.” Turns out that missing link was Jacobs.

Jacobs pre-game ritual propelled the Packers to a 19-0 record spanning two seasons. A record that nearly eclipsed the Patriots’ 21 game long gang rape of the NFL in ’03-’04.

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8 Responses to “Local Man Causes Packers’ Loss to Chiefs”

  1. LIN said

    I’m so mad at that guy!

  2. Cee Weltin' Goody said

    Cleanliness is next to satanliness. Every Pack fan…i.e. America….should shun Jacobs. And never forgive his–hopefully soon to be former–sorry excuse for a wife.

  3. You’d think that the spirit of the stains would have led to victory…sadly, not. Thank you for the in-depth coverage.

  4. botched said

    The shockwaves of the washing reverberated throughout the topsy turvy nfl yesterday. Only the patriots were able to avert disaster through their deal with satan.

    • Anonymous said

      I once used the Shroud of Turin to mop up some dog urine. Everyone was a really big dick about it too. And, I was like “hey, let’s not forget who cleaned up the urine!”

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