Apocalypse Now?

January 25, 2012

Yeah, it's all you can eat but there's hardly any meat on him

Do you have your bucket list ready? Good, because it’s 2012 and we’re all going to die in a fiery blast that destroys the earth and melts our faces off and sh*it. Everyone says so, but how do we know it’s really gonna happen this time?

Well, apparently our annihilation in 2012 is so plainly obvious that the Mayans knew about it a few thousand years ago. But remember, they also pulled thorny ropes through their genitals to ensure their corn would grow, so…perhaps they didn’t have all the answers.

Astrologers say that the Age of Aquarius is beginning and will bring about the destruction of civilization. Well personally, I don’t trust anyone that can say, “Uranus rising” without giggling, and besides, in the Age of Aquarius we all wear sparkly pantsuits and listen to psychedelic soul music. I can get down with that.

Speaking of astrology, the great seer Michel de Nostradamus wrote some vague sh*t about a comet that may or may not hit the earth in 2012. And yes, I will admit it. He did accurately predict that time I crapped myself in the park last summer, but everyone forgets that the famous diviner also invested heavily in the Michael Jackson comeback tour “This is It.” Ah, even I saw that one coming, Michel.

What about the seemingly endless parade of scientists that say global climate change will kill us all? Well, I’m not gonna listen to someone that went to school for a decade and makes 38k a year. Also, everyone knows that global warming, like the moon landing, is a ruse cooked up by Alec Baldwin, so no one remembers that -despite having impeccable comedic timing- he is an incurable D bomb.

So who can we trust to tell us the future? Well, not Jesus. He said don’t ask him because he doesn’t know sh*t about it (Mathew 24:36). He also sent that mass text, “Hey idiots, stop look’n 4 hidden codes in Tebow’s QB rate’n. TTYL, ur savior, JHC.”

Now, I know that you’re scared because of all the fornicating you’ve been doing lately (or that hobo you killed), but, someone is always predicting that the end times are nigh.  It is just a product of our perennial human vanity to believe we are the ones living at the end of history. So, if you’re worried about the 2012 predictions, take a Zanax. It’s going to be okay.

I will say this though, if the world does come to an end this year, I hope it’s right before I get my pap smear, like right before, like I’m in the waiting room. That would be sweet!


9 Responses to “Apocalypse Now?”

  1. Before the end is nigh, there will be another Rapture, so maybe there’s still hope for you, especially if you’ve been fornicating a lot. God likes to watch.

    And I say second Rapture, because I’m writing this from way up here. Only a few of us made it the first time — last year when that nutball preacher predicted. But there were so few of us, no one left behind noticed. Check for yourself: there was a slight uptick in the missing person files around the world, but not all that much.

    So, God told me the other day, that she’s doing a second recall and very much lowering her standards. She’ll even take some Republicans this time. Oh yeah, all those people who’ve been talking about and expecting and praying for the Rapture? God’s still going to leave them behind. She’s a party animal.

    • halejj said

      I was hoping some religious nut would somehow find this post and send me crazy messages about burning in Hell. Although it’s probably true. If there were such a place, I’d be concerned. Actually, I am pretty commitment phobic so I see myself as more of a Purgatory kind of gal.

      Unfortunately, no radical Christians have tried to get this rag of a blog banned, which would be good press for me. I guess I’ll have to write that, “Jesus was a bottom” post after all.

      I agree totally that God is a party animal. The first Miracle was the water to wine thing, Noah celebrated the end of the flood by getting sh*t faced, and Jesus was a drunkard that hung out with prostitutes (Mathew 11:19).

  2. seer of great things said

    yeah getting to skip a pelvic exam would be nice

    • halejj said

      Is the prostate exam the male equivalent to a pelvic? Because unless there is an ice cold, metal speculum involved, they’re getting off easy, again.

  3. merdawg said

    oh man, hale… this is the best:

    He said don’t ask him because he doesn’t know sh*t about it (Mathew 24:36). He also sent that mass text, “Hey idiots, stop look’n 4 hidden codes in Tebow’s QB rate’n. TTYL, ur savior, JHC.”

    The best.

    • halejj said

      Mer, we should totally make a twitter account called “texts from Jesus”. Holy (pun intended) crap that could be really funny! Also we need to get working on that “other project” 😉

      • dcjulesdoesla said

        I support a Texts from Jesus initiative. Fully.

      • halejj said

        Jules…from your lips to God’s ears…introducing


        Savior from Bethlehem. 33 year old white dude. Never married, no kids. Live with my Dad, but it’s cool. I want people to stop doing bad stuff in my name

  4. JKK said

    Gotta say that my favorite part of all of this great discourse is that you really must get going on that “Jesus was a bottom” post. Delicous.

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