My Apologies

February 2, 2012


I didn't know Sarah Silverman came in an unfunny, gentile version

Sweet Jesus, the booze was flowing last night! I don’t remember a ton, but since the back of my hand looks like a passport, all my money is gone except for one balled-up dollar bill, and I have a huge bruise I know nothing about, I think it was a pretty great time.

What I do remember of the night looks something like a child’s art project, all squiggly and disproportional and crap. So, I asked the guy I brought home, and he told me that I was talking a lot of sh*t and acting like a dick, mainly in your direction.

So because you are one of my best get’n-sh*t-faced buddies, I want you to know how sorry I am that I…

  • Got you kicked out of your favorite bar for trashing the bathroom
  • Put my lit cigarette through that hipster’s gaged ear
  • Kept calling your Asian friend “Short Round”
  • “Got real” and told you 15 times that I cherish you
  • Touched you where a swimsuit covers
  • Wept when I dropped my sub in the gutter
  • Ate the sub anyway

And, even though it was totally funny at the time, I am really sorry I…

  • Took your phone to the bathroom and sexted your boss
  • Tried really hard to start a fight with that carnie and his gay lover
  • Pizza cut your south wedge
  • Talked you into sleeping with that guy because he looked like a “snatch gobbler”
  • Pooped in the tank of your toilet
  • Ruined your duvet, don’t ask, just throw it away

So, what I guess I’m trying to say is, all that stuff that I said and did but don’t remember saying or doing, I am really sorry for and I promise not to say or do those things again unless I am totally boozed up.

But we’re cool, right?

Advertisements

4 Responses to “My Apologies”

  1. Adam said

    You forgot about the time you detailed my car with the contents of the inside of your stomach…twice!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: