Help Wanted

March 14, 2012

Where's Waldo's Dignity?

Back before I quit my abusive job, I, like you, spent a good portion of my workday thinking about all the awesome sh*t I’d do if I didn’t have to work. I imagined myself jogging and doing healthy stuff; volunteering with the charity I always meant to give money (you know, the one with the gimpy kids); or finishing that novel that, unlike the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, it isn’t one big rape fantasy.

Don’t kid yourself. If you lose or quit your job, you won’t do sh*t. In fact you’ll reach personal depths of depravity you haven’t known since you dated that funeral home director. One day you’re showered and in a suit, giving a Power Point presentation and then you quit your job and 24 hours later you’re wearing 4-day-old underwear and eating leftover chili, on the toilet.

So if you do find yourself jobless here are some helpful tips to keep you from turning into Al Gore after the 2000 election.

#1 Mind your hygiene – The day you think a sloppy ponytail and clean-ish, Halloween-themed pajama pants are totally fine for a run to the grocery store is the same day you’ll run into that co-worker you banged enough times to consider him an ex, and yes, he can smell the alcohol on your breath.

#2 Know your limits – Become familiar with just how far you’ll go to bring in some cash. Sure you may start off by selling unnecessary things on Craig’s List for scratch, but if you’re not careful you’ll find yourself at a Walmart parking lot waiting for a guy named Bart who’ll pay to watch you eat a sandwich.

#3 Treat yourself – Buy the good baby wipes with aloe otherwise your constant whore baths will leave your privates more chaffed than usual. And, always remember my famous saying, “Front to Back, Clean your Crack — Back to Front, Poop in your C*nt”

So as you read this on your iPhone while in the work john, think of me and count your lucky stars because, yes, your boss does suck, but trust me, you’d be way worse at managing yourself.


6 Responses to “Help Wanted”

  1. RFL said

    This post is brilliant!

  2. Meredawg said

    So great…

    you’ll find yourself at a Walmart parking lot waiting for a guy named Bart who’ll pay to watch you eat a sandwich.

  3. JKK said

    It’s been a while, but this excellent post was worth the wait!!

    • halejj said

      You’re too kind. It does seem that I should be able to produce more posts. Maybe I’ll slip some writing between not doing laundry and not showering.

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