Douche of the Month: “You’ll Understand When You Have Kids” Douche

March 23, 2012

It's probably his

I know, I know, I should be grateful because, unlike me, you are breeding and ensuring the survival of mankind and sh*t, but honestly, having kids turned you into a lame, holier-than-thou *sshole. Ah hello?! I’ve have pictures of you from back in the day ripping gravity bong hits and making out with strangers at bar time, and by the way, why do you keep un-taging yourself from those pictures on Facebook?

You know what? I’m the one who should be concerned about your drinking problem. You used to party like you were gonna start rehab the next day. Now you act like your breast milk will come out like a white Russian if you have one drink.

And, guess what? No one cares about whatever stupid 90th percentile your kid is in or how you’re not sure if you like his or her speech pathologist. That crap is boring. That’s why all your childless friends don’t call anymore. And, stop measuring time in months. 24 months is two years so just say “two f*cking years old”. I hate math.

I know you desperately want to ditch that stupid baby and husband and go on a drunken, sport f*cking spree that would make Tara Reid look like a nun. So turn on the TV, put out a bowl of food and some water and get the f*ck out of the house for once. You’re welcome.

“You’ll Understand When You Have Kids” Douche

Pleated khaki shorts
J-Jill sweater sets
New Balance Shape Ups shoes
Pearl Necklace (not the kind you wipe off)

Can’t Leave Home Without
Stupid baby
Stupid no-fun Husband
Things with dumb meaningless names like “Bopper” or “Binkie”
Tiny packages of Kleenex
Gold Fish crackers
Hand sanitizer

Can be found at…
JC Penney sales
Sam’s Club (not night clubs)
Baby sign language classes at the community center
The Cheesecake Factory

Thinks a lot about that bartender that dick-matized her for three semesters
Thinks you can have a conversation over the sound of a screaming toddler
Has a zoo membership
Is thinking of voting for Mitt Romney
Thinks swim diapers aren’t totally disgusting
Might pull a “Casey Anthony”
Gave up her dreams
Thinks you’re a slut


7 Responses to “Douche of the Month: “You’ll Understand When You Have Kids” Douche”

  1. Lisa said

    Good God. This is so right.
    High 5!

  2. Anne said

    OMG lady, you have no idea how much I this — and you — today!!

  3. unfinishedbizness said

    ha! this is so funny… as a mom (not the douche-y kind), i also hate these people. and never, ever want to hear another breastfeeding or vagina ripping story again… god help us all!

  4. RFL said

    I’m about to piss myself laughing at this. Goldfish crackers make me want to stab myself but I have them at all times and in every crevice of my car. Bananas too. Have you seen what 1 and half year olds do to bananas? There were cameras at gravity bong nights? Shit.

  5. dick-matized. hahahaha

  6. Kilgore Trout III said

    One time at a party, lo those many years ago–when the room had gradually evolved into men talking in one group and women in another group–my son’s mom, with whom I was coincidentally married at the time, came over to the men and said, ‘Sorry, I can’t spend another minute listening to them talking about what color their baby’s poop was today.’ Then she began to talk circles around them about basketball and politics and anything else that came up.

  7. unfinishedbizness said

    Hi there! I have nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award! Please check out this post for more info: Congratulations!!

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